Monday, 6 July 2009- Twitter Catastrophe

Monday, 6 July 2009- Twitter Catastrophe
Shortly after my shift ended, I received a text message welcoming me back to twitter. I thought it strange because I hadn’t activated my profile. It didn’t turn out to be Carolyn, who had stepped up after the FnF incident and recreated a profile for me to come home to when I was ready. I became even more alarmed as I read comments made by some twitter friends who, ironically, I didn’t want to leave high and dry, and therefore sought out yesterday on Facebook and issued a friend request to bridge the gap. I had also made the mistake of using this transition time to change my name to Lee which I had been mulling over in my head for a few weeks but never suggested over the twitter stream, so I can see how it may have appeared as a red flag to those that I invited. One of my twitter friends that I conversed with on a daily basis had made a comment that shortly after he accepted my friend request, I called and left a message. This disturbed another key twitter friend who trusted me, who then made a comment that he would ignore my friend request. Reading these comments devastated me. I feared that someone was trying to hurt me. The possibility that the phone call and text message were from the same person, alarmed me to no end. Other twitter friends removed me from their Facebook friends as well. I went into shock and serious panic. I couldn’t believe that all these people who trusted me, and who I trusted back, now no longer trusted me. I felt extreme embarrassment. Other individuals that I sent friend requests to did accept my friend request. I seriously felt it was my responsibility to send them a message asking them to reconsider friending me as I had a questionable reputation and was a threat to his security, especially those with connections to those I have offended. I knew that was irrational thinking…
In this devastated state of mind, I called Carolyn and she comforted me. I reactivated my twitter profile, and simply said “I am confused”. I made comments to two of my twitter friends who were most disturbed by my sudden disappearance from twitter and equally sudden emergence into their facebook worlds under a new name. I was welcomed back by another one, but being hurt and confused, asked what was up with the rumors. I was hurt by his doubt in me, but also wanted to protect him from any attacks by being associated with me- remember, the bottom line I was confused. He mentioned Gimli’s informing those interested, of the circumstances surrounding FnF’s last words to me. I then whittled my 200 followers down to 20. I let go those that I didn’t converse with much, as well as those that I enjoyed tweeting with a lot, but shared friends in common with those who doubted me. I hoped those might choose to follow me back. I felt like 20 was still too many.
Comforting was when a student pilot friend in Europe asked me not to remove him. He said he enjoyed my tweets and admired my enthusiasm in wanting to work for the airlines. Enthusiasm isn’t enough. I told this friend that I had a dug a hold six feet deep and buried my dream of becoming a flight attendant or working for an airline in it, and therefore be prepared for a less interesting twitter stream from me. Again, thoughts of the text message and mystery caller claiming to be me, was disconcerting. I felt like I had a price on my head.
These are some thoughts I tweeted while I was riding the bus to work:
“When I slept in a homeless shelter four years ago, I could walk the streets with my head held high. I helped out my fellow homeless neighbors, tied quilts and made tote bags (from airplane seat covers donated by Delta, LOL) for a church service project, and held a part time job. Now it seems every other gesture of kindness that I proffer, fails, though some haven’t. I have been more selfish this time, constantly dodging attacks from an invisible enemy bent on hurting me. Whether it’s Jackie or Jeremy, or Akbar, I don’t know. I stopped caring. A large part of my troubles were aggravated further by my reactions to these guerrilla attacks. The only mystery I want to solve is who used my phone number to associate with their profile? Four years ago, choosing to sleep in a homeless shelter was one of the best actions I could take for my circumstances. Back then, I was alone, supported only by my belief in God. Now I stumble around with my head bowed in the shame of failing many.”
I also want to thank Elliott for calling me back and offering friendship and advice, and Marty who invited me to reach out to him if I needed to talk.